An Incomplete Thought...

I like to think I'm strong.

You could call me weak

and I'll never hesitate to

let you know that you're wrong.

But I ask myself;

"Darling, what is strength?"

Is it the power of endurance

for an end to no length?

Is it knowing your limits and giving up,

knowing you gave your all and

pushing further, though it wasn't enough?

Is it strength when you can lift the world high,

relieving the weight from others shoulders

willing to take their burdens on as your own plight?

Strength alone has many definitions to reflect,

but to determine your own is a journey itself.

Finding your own strength and embodying its depth

is an accomplishment a tenacious soul could easily project.

.....

-Pj

7.22.14

Changes are continuously occurring, nothing I can help.

I'm happy to be my own hero, always saving myself.

When you're put into a situation that has only one way out,

you have to weigh the pro and cons and then decide for yourself.

Do you put up with whatever you face?

Do you change direction and give yourself space?

Do you cut off ties and burn your bridges?

Put on your big girl pants, pull up your britches.

Being a damsel in distress isn't really my thing and

of course I don't mind being my own king.

I'll live for myself, who else could I live for?

I just hate it when cupid comes tapping on my door.

I don't want your love potions, I have some of my own

but right now I want to reign solo upon my throne.

Master of my fate, captain of my soul; I will stand firm.

I need no swayance of no body holding sperm.

My stubborn demeanor is in no way ignorant;

it is only that my sole independence is exigent. 

I don't want to lean, rest or bend, requiring reliance of any kind.

I aim for poise and balance; my soul, body and mind.

For others who march in these same steps, I implore:

Don't ever look back or look down. The value of the prize in the end is greater than the strenuous path you have (yet) to endure.

-Pj

From my lack of sleep I think

The prison these sheets shackle me in

Leave me entangled in my own lustful sin

To drift away into a sleepless dream;

forgetting the real world, tearing away at its seams.

In the dream I travel far and wide and

catch a ride upon a great white tide

And on the sea with Poseidon I roam

Only to be brought to an isle, I gently roll with the seam foam.

Natives all gather at the sandy shore

with gifts made for me, with unequivocal allure.

We embrace and then feast, sharing peace from the pipe,

Around a great fire we dance into the night.

The sun starts to peek up over the hills

an inevitable end to my night full of thrills.

Through my lids I can see a room filled with light, a sure sign I'm awake

But from my black satin cuffs I cannot find a break.

I'm twisted up and wrought about,

but from this sober high I refuse to come down.

In my dream there was no stress or strife,

just a whimsical relief from my imperfect life.

As I untangle myself from the burdens of sleep

I think of the natives, Poseidon, and the blue sea so deep.

-Pj

Hooky

I have three (3) jobs. M-W-F aaand about every other Saturday I work this door-to-door job trying to help people save money on their Gas/Electric bills. Does anyone really care about saving money as much as they say they do? NO. Besides my point.

Yesterday was Wednesday,  (for those of you who are glued to your screens or have slept for weeks, the reminder was geared towards you) so I was to work the d-t-d job. That job is time consuming, commission only, and I don't make money. Basically every person I talk to doesn't give a duck (excuse my language) about saving money...Again, Besides my point.

Tuesday night my agent called me and told me I could possibly have an important gig on Wednesday, and suggested I free my schedule, so I did. I called off work for a gig that could have been a big break for me, but when I get a call from my agent on Wednesday morning, he tells me the shoot isn't taking place anymore, and that he was sorry that I missed work for nothing.

Of course I was kind of sad I had to miss work, more so that the shoot didn't take place, but then I thought to myself...

...I have the entire day to do whatever I want...

So I went back to sleep. I slept in past noon! I got up and watched a little daytime television and decided I didn't want to spend the entire day cooped up in the apartment. My boyfriend and I got ready around 2pm to go out and have an adventure. I took my sweet time getting ready. I did my hair and makeup on my own clock (which rarely happens) and got all cute for our upcoming events. We decided to go to Dave and Busters in Tri County to play games with a powercard we already had from a group outing from months ago. (powercards are like debit cards for gaming. You load money on it to play games in the arcade.) Then we planned on catching a cheap movie and then checking out the open mic night at the music store next to D&B.

At Dave and Busters we had a great time! We played Mario Kart and trivia and this dancing game that I suck at, but I got a work out and had fun looking ridiculous. We had a blast and the day wasn't even half over. We left to check out the music store next door to see when the open mic was going to begin. I've never performed in front of a strange group of people, so I wanted an idea of how it would go. The man said each night is a hit or miss, (which did not really comfort me in the least) but that it was generally a good time.

We went to see The Amazing Spider-man 2 (in a theater I now believe has bats,) and it was pretty awesome. I had already seen the movie with my cousin but my boyfriend doesn't know, (or at least I didn't tell him, but he's smart...so we'll never know if he knows or not because I won't ever ask, and if he reads this I'm screwed!) but it felt like watching it for the first time again, except  that I already knew what was going to happen. But it was still as thrilling as the first time around.

After the movie we went back to Tri County to go to Sam Ash and it was a good time. It was a small 'crowd' (like less than ten people) and they were all so nice! When someone would perform everyone was kind, even if the set wasn't well put together. It was just a group of strangers who all came together just to have fun and do what they love to do; play music. Those who performed, you could tell they were happy up there, even if they messed up. Some artists left it all on the stage, and I loved to watch every single one! They inspired me somethin' great!

I met some new people who actually encouraged me onto the stage. I sang an Adele song A Capella, and I felt pretty comfortable after a minute on stage. I saw all those warm, nonjudgmental faces and it was alright. My best friend stopped by and I got her to sing onstage as well. 

The day was great. I had a date with my love at 3 different fun outings, spent less than $10 between the both of us, overcame small stage fright, met some great people, looked cute and saw my best friend at the end of a great day. Of course I feel bad for not going to work, not telling my boss that I didn't have that gig anymore, not making money or being "productive" by terms that people who work or go to school abide by, but the day was absolutely, un-arguably, and unequivocally needed.

For all of you stressed out, hair pulling, always arguing with your significant other, road raging work-a-holics, I advise you pull a Ferris Bueller every blue moon. Lick your palms, call in sick and just enjoy a day to yourself. Put your stresses on hold for a couple hours.

As always, thanks for reading.

Xoxo,

-Pj

Ready, Set, Embark

So, I get up today and I ask myself:

"If you had a blog, who would even read and follow it?"

I've been thinking about blogging for a couple weeks now. It's something new to me, ( and I'm not up to date on any fancy blogger-lingo, so please bear with me. ) and I think it'll provide some sort of release on my day to day stresses and strife.

 

 "WHERE DO I EVEN START?"

I guess it's not really about where to start, just as long as there is a start.

I recently met a woman I now work with who has done so much in her life, and she is still fairly young, and she told me the only way I can achieve my goals is if I put myself out there. This is my outreach.

Hi. My name is Patricia Bayton, but everyone just calls me Pj (unless you're my gma or old, or family, or old family members.) I'm 19 living in Cincinnati, OH.

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe."

                                                  Anatole France

I dream of packing up, shipping out to California, meeting some famous name who can help me make it big and then chopping it up from there. But I'm stuck in Cincinnati at three different jobs, working 6/7 days a week, over 54 hours a week, living paycheck to paycheck, and no foreseeable end to this cycle anytime soon. But I still have my hope, I still have my ambition, and I won't let anything stop my drive for happiness. I have many talents, but I don't always capitalize on them. Sometimes when you hear a whole bunch of no's, it can make you shift your position ....which isn't always a bad thing.

 I wanted to be an artist, but I didn't feel like I had the exceptional vision I saw the other artists around me had, so I let that go. I can still draw and doodle and paint, but I wish I had continued those studies.

I love theater. I wasn't an outstanding thespian when I first got into high school. At home and basically any other place other than in front of directors or onstage I could act my heart out. But when it came to auditions, I sounded like a duck. That's so frustrating you can't even imagine. So I was a chorus girl, or I painted the sets, or ran the lights, or did cast makeup, or moved scene changes or built set pieces. Somehow I was always involved.

I played instruments in the band, and I played for like 8 years, but after high school I haven't been able to pick up an instrument. I do my best to keep reminding myself how to read music and play. I'd love to pick it back up. That'd be just wonderful.

I can sing, but that is something I always back out of. I've made many videos I promise myself I'll post and I'll be proud of no matter what, but they've never graced the world wide web. Maybe I could muster up and just do it, even just once, and put myself out there. 

Music was always a main focus growing up, and even though modeling for me is held in high acclaim, music will always be my first love. Maybe after I'm established in Hollywood or wherever, I can again venture down that path.

Then along came modeling. I didn't always want to model. In fact, I originally -for a career-wanted to be a Forensic Anthropologist. But I found myself leaning toward fine arts, rather than liberal.  My mom said to me one day, "you know you'd be pretty good at modeling, you do it so well around the house." And thus the spinning of the complex dream I have now today was rendered.

 

My biggest dream is to become a VS Angel, but above all that, an inspiring household name. What girl doesn't dream of being the center of someone's fantasy? What girl doesn't want to help set the standard for class and elegance and mass appeal? What girl doesn't dream of walking down a runway wearing those famous pair of wings you could only wish to strap on?

I know there are many girls who are okay with being lost in their books and their studies, who are into makeup and photography, girls who would rather make potions or pick at brains with their tongue twisters, and girls who can protect us all and girls who are masterminds behind a keyboard. But I want to be that girl on that poster in your best friend's basement, and that girl on the billboard near the mall,and that girl on the cover of your favorite magazine. I'd much rather be that girl who changed someone's life for an instance, who made someone come out of their shell, who inspired someone to do something amazing, or who pushed someone to be their best, but I can barely do those things for myself. Through the modeling industry I can be a silent, yet fierce force of walking attitude and spunk. When they see me, I don't jumble on my words or fumble with any answers, they just see me and I feel invincible. I don't have to always worry about saying the right or wrong thing, because through my strut or my pose, they don't have to ask. Now, I'm not saying I can walk better than Heidi, or smize better than Tyra, but I've had good training and I take it seriously, because it's a trade I'm passionate about. There is ALWAYS room for improvement, and if someone can help me be better and help me move forward in this career, I say CALL ME. And though I talk about being a silent model, I'm far from mute. I know how to speak to people, but who never stutters, or trips over their own tongue? My weakness is my mind flies faster than my mouth and it trips me up. I have 3 different jobs, all dealing directly with customers and customer service, and I like these jobs only because I know it will further my experience with dealing and talking to different types of people, and what to say in different situations. I think of it as practice for payment. I want to conquer my weakness and I hope to build up to being a spokesperson for a great company someday.

With all the dreams in the world, no one was discovered unless they put themselves out there.

"Closed mouths don't get fed"

This is my first step. This is me leaping. This is my outreach.

Get ready, get set, embark. 

Thanks for reading,

xoxo

-Pj